See its like this, I still haven't done my make up biometry exam, I mean how fucked up is that? I freak out for weeks on end then get a second chance and then I sit and do nothing for well over a month all the while getting more and more stressed, not enjoying my supposed holidays because all I can do is think about how I need to do this test. But I'm stupidly masochistic, some part of me wants to push it to the end, I don't want to fail. But I won't do anything to stop the failing so I wait and wait until I lie awake at night promising myself I'll do it tomorrow again and again and again, and then during the days I'll think about it and the stress will hit me and its like being sliced apart from the inside I just feel so sick of myself so angry, so disappointed but like I deserve to feel this way y'know...
And I'm so fucking afraid that any day I'll get an email from the head of the course and he'll tell me he's sorry that he gave me a chance but it's toolate I'll have to repeat the course. And I'll hate myself so much more if that happens and that alone is motivation..but the thing is I try, but I failed the first time round because I didn't know how to do stuff which is why this time I need help but no one can or will help me, it's the holidays people have lives and I don't know how to sort this out on my own. Don't know why I can bring myself to ask the one person who I know can and will happily help me. My boyperson, he's in my course, he's irritatingly intelligent and he would do anything for me. But I can't because then he's try to make me understand things and all I want is just to be told where to click and what formula to use...and I'm scared that he'll find out just how dumb I am.. though he really should know by now.. and I realise we're not equal in intelligence but sometimes I like to pretend I'm not a total pathetic loser.
God...since when have I had so much pride? ...I thought I lost that in highschool with my self esteem...

So maybe I have to stop, shake off whatever remnants of frivolous dignity that still cling to my beaten and cowed body, drop to my knees and learn the proper oral technique to swallowing my pride..