I've been fascinated recently at how easy life changes. How one small choice changes everything later on.

And I can't help but sit back and watch it all happen around me, from me, to me.

And sometimes those changes are forever, you can't go back from them. You simply just don't know how.. or maybe its not up to you anymore.

But I wonder and worry most about the things I could change if I just made the effort.

I know I could do better at uni, I know I could be less klutzy at work, I could be a better girlfriend/friend/daughter.. its just...it all involves so much effort, and all I want to do is lie in bed watching the beams of light pass across the room as the day ends.

I don't know what I'm doing. I fight to get through each week, jumping the familiar hurdles of university, work, family and friends. Then I reach sunday and it all slips apart again as I try and steady myself enough to do it all again.

And what I really want is someone to tell me I'm doing ok, that I'm an intelligent student, a capable worker, a good daughter, a loving girlfriend and a dependable friend.

I think I'm pregnant.

I'm probably not.. but it just feels appropriate right now that I would be. I think I want to be just so I can have an abortion and thereby have something real and major to have a breakdown over.

Come to that, cancer would work well too, so would AIDS or some other sort of life threatening disease.. I just want a legitimate reason to fall apart, stop work, drop uni and be surrounded by consoling, caring friends.

It matters not.

If 2 unit English ever taught me anything, it would be that Change is inevitable and eternal and Gwen Harwood writes really irritating poetry.